


Cause They're Not Gay

by awesomeaislin



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Memes, Vines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 05:16:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15942542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomeaislin/pseuds/awesomeaislin
Summary: In the midst of a meme based spell unit, they finally get to the "Two Bros chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart cause they're not gay". I'm sure you can imagine where this goes."“Five feet apart,” She casts. I can feel the magic wash over me again, but I still don’t move. Agatha raises her eyebrows toward me. Penny grabs my arm and starts dragging me out of the room, “Simon, I think we need to have a chat.” I briefly wonder what Miss Possibelf thinks about all the people storming out of her class today. "





	Cause They're Not Gay

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea from a post I saw on tumblr about vines as spells, and I just kind of needed to write it. This is my first carry on fanfic, so idk? be nice? 
> 
> It was written in like an hour.

**BAZ**

 

I know I’m fucked the minute I read the blackboard. 

 

We’ve been studying meme-based spells for a couple days now. Nothing drastic has gone wrong.  **Why you always lying** is a basic lie detector.  **And they were roommates** summons two people who were roommates at Watford into the same room.  **I could’ve dropped my croissant** cleans bacteria off of food, which was useful after we started using  **more like hurricane tortilla**  to purposefully spill food. 

Alot of the memes we’ve studied come from vines as they stick around in people’s vocabulary alot longer than other memes. I mean who hasn’t watched a vine compilation at 3 am? Exactly. 

 

But today is different because this spell is almost guaranteed to go horribly wrong for me. Written on the bored is  **Five Feet Apart,** and maybe that means it will automatically spell two mages five feet apart, but I have a sneaking suspicion it will only work if those mages happen to not be gay. 

 

It’s not as though I’m uncomfortable with my sexuality. I’m perfectly comfortable, but this is far from any way I’ve wanted to come out. Or it’s even further from the number of people I want to know. I just don’t think all of my classmates need to know. It’s not like I get along with many of them. 

There’s one other glaring issue with this breach of security too. What happens when Snow finds out I haven’t been looking at his girlfriend, I’ve been looking at him?

 

**SIMON**

Another day, Another spell I can’t do. If I even try these new meme spells, something goes drastically wrong. 

 

When I cast  **Why you always lying** , it took a pinocchio effect on Agatha. Her nose got so long it was almost like a tree. Incidentally that spell led to our breakup(again). It’s hard to keep dating when your girlfriend’s nose grows every time she tells you she loves you. It’s ok. I  don’t think I loved her anymore either. 

 

When I cast  **And they were roommates** , Penny and Trixie DID get summoned, but they couldn’t stand in separate rooms from each other for days. Penny nearly murdered me. (“Simon, I already can’t stand the actually room I have to share with Trixie, now I have to spend  _ all  _ day with her”)

 

I can understand why I’m not allowed to cast any of the spells anymore. However, this means I’m used in most of the demonstrations. Which isn’t always so bad, it’s more boring and sometimes a little bit embarrassing. Like when they were doing  **Alexa, this is so sad** , and the only thing that would come on was the theme for Girl Meets World. (Listen, it’s not my fault that it showed up in my Netflix feed and I watched the entire thing, and cried and lost it. Not my fault at all.)

 

Today’s spell seems kind of boring, I mean  **Five Feet Apart?** That’s kind of limited in use. All it will do is move people five feet apart, right? I’m not surprised when I get assigned as one of the subjects for demonstrated. Penny and Baz will also takes turns spelling and being spelled in our group. I’m happy to be with Penny. Baz on the other hand... well, I just hope he doesn’t murder me. 

Penny demands to try first and Baz rolls his eyes but complies anyway. He stands next to me, but he’s still about five feet apart anyway. 

 

“You need to stand closer together,” Penn instructs. 

 

“Why? Can’t manage to get five more feet of space between us?” Baz snarls. I sigh and stand closer to him knowing he won’t move. He looks at his feet. “Hurry up, Bunce”

 

“ **Five feet apart,** ” She casts. I can feel the magic on me, but neither of us moves. Penny frowns and tries again, “ **Five feet apart.** ” She uses more of her magic. We still don’t move. I look around the room. It’s working for everyone else. 

“I’m going to try the whole spell and see if it goes better,” Penny shrugs. Baz frowns at the floor. I swear his ears are slightly pink. “ **Five feet apart, cuz their not gay.** ” I can feel the magic but it still doesn’t work. “Why isn't this worki-” She pauses mid thought and gives us a weird look. “Baz, why don’t you give it a try?” I look and him and he looks a little bit like he wants to ground to swallow him whole. 

 

“I’m actually feeling ill,” he mumbles. “I’m going to go take nap. Bye” He leaves.

 

Penny frowns at me, “Simon,” she starts.

 

“I Know! He’s definitely not sick. He must be plotting-”

 

“No, Simon,” She interrupts, “I think I know why the spell isn’t working.”

 

“Penny, why don’t we just try again,” I suggest, “Agatha, come over here so Penny can cast the spell on us.” I’ve seen the spell work on Agatha, I’m sure it’ll be ok. Penny can make any spell work. She just needs another try. 

“Go on, Pen, do it,” I tell her. She gives me look, but holds up her wand anyway. 

 

“ **Five feet apart,** ” She casts. I can feel the magic wash over me again, but I still don’t move. Agatha raises her eyebrows toward me. Penny grabs my arm and starts dragging me out of the room, “Simon, I think we need to have a chat.” I briefly wonder what Miss Possibelf thinks about all the people storming out of her class today. 

She drags me all the way outside and sits me down under a tree. She takes a deep breath. 

 

**PENELOPE**

 

Ideally Simon would be the one to realize why this spell isn’t working, but it seems like that’s about as likely as him not eating dinner. Sometimes I wonder how we ended up with a chosen one that is about as observant as a brick wall, but at the end of the day he’s all we’ve got. I wouldn’t choose anyone else. Even if I have to be on call every moment of every day to point out semi obvious things to him. 

 

“Simon,” I try. “That spell. Do you know where it comes from.”

“Yeah,” He laughs, “It’s a meme. It’s obviously a meme. We’ve been studying them for weeks.” 

“No, do you know any of the implications of this spell? do you even know whole spell,” He looks blankly at me, “ **Two bros, chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart cuz they’re not gay.”**

He continues to just stare at me blankly. “Simon, come on, you have to know why the spell wasn’t working. It’s not my spellwork.”

“Yes, Penny, I know you are a great mage and your spells always work, but,” Simon smiled. 

 

“No, Simon, I shouldn’t have to spell this out for you,” I sigh, “The spell won’t work on you and the only reason that could happen is because you don’t fit with the clauses. It’s like **And they were roommates** only summons roommates. This one only works if the people are straight.”

 

“But I’m...” He trails off.

“Well according the spell you can’t be,” I emphasize, “I guess it kind of makes sense with your whole Baz obsession.”

 

“My what?”

 

“You know. How you talk about him all the time, and you followed him around ALL of fifth year, for Crowley’s sake, Simon, this can’t all be news to you,” I roll my eyes, “I had to put a limit on how much you’re allowed to talk about him.”

“Oh,” he says a little too calmly, “I’m going for a walk.”

 

I let him go. 

 

**BAZ**

 

I’m in such a deep state of ‘hiding under the covers embarrassment’ that I don’t even hear Snow come in. I honestly think that if he hadn’t started talking I probably would have lived the rest of my days just in this little blanket cave. It would be a fine life. No more embarrassment, no more classes, no more Simon Snow. 

 

“Baz,” he starts, “about the spell today.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I grumble. “We never have to speak about it again.”

 

“No, I think we should talk about it,” He insists.

 

“Since when do we talk about anything?”   
  


“Now,” he mumbles. I worm my way out of my cocoon to look at him, and he’s staring right at me. I look away. 

 

“Look, Snow, we don’t need to talk about it,” I say, “I know it’s my fault it didn’t work, you don’t have to worry about it. Just forget it, please.”

 

“What do you mean?” He asks, “It wasn’t your fault.”

 

“I’m gay,” I snarl at him, “Is that what you want me to say? It’s  _ my  _ fault the spell doesn’t work. So just forget about it and go back to just assuming everything I do is a plot Snow.” I get up to leave but he stops me. 

 

“No, Baz, Stop. Listen,” He demands. I glare at him. I’d give anything to not be in this room. “The spell...it...Well, it doesn’t work on me either.” I frown at him. “Penny, well, she... she told...well she explained...”

 

“Snow, use your words.”

 

“Oh fuck off,” he snaps, “You must know what I’m trying to say.” He shakes his head at me. I don’t, or I do, but there’s no way he’s... no. What about Agatha? 

 

“Snow, I don’t have time for whatever this is,” I snap and pull my arm away from him. “If you figure out what you’re desperately trying to say, I’m sure-” I can’t finish my thought.

 

Because he’s kissing me. 

 

Simon Snow is kissing me. 

 

My brain just stops moving. There’s nothing in my head anymore, snark or otherwise. Because Simon Fucking Snow has a hand in my hair and a grip on my waist. And I’m not doing anything. 

 

He pulls away and just looks at me. Almost a challenge for me to make a move. I try to open my mouth to say something, but my voice doesn’t work. He chuckles a little uneasily. I frown at him, is this a joke?

 

He shakes his head at me, “I’ve never known you not know what to say.” He looks something like a god golden and smiling and happy, and I don’t want to do anything to change that. “Baz, come on, say something.” I’m still frozen. “Use your words,” He mocks, and suddenly I’m back on him shoving him closer to me and kissing him quiet.

And he’s reacting. He’s pushing me back into my own bed and crawling on top of me, and making me reach for him, and I keep doing it. I keep going. 

 

**PENELOPE**

When Simon comes down to dinner covered in red marks, curls messed up more than normal, I have a good idea of what’s happened. 

 

“So,” I start a little smug.

 

“So, I have a new appreciation of memes, and we don’t need to talk about it,” He laughs. The happiness looks good on him, he never looked so happy with Agatha.

“I think we probably should talk about it,” I tease. 

 

“Ok, well I’m sure you want to know that what really gets Baz going is when I-”

 

“Nevermind. We’re good. Baz-conversation cap restored. Stop”


End file.
